Hello one and all, I first I want to thank the Baron for this great opportunity.  I really look at this as a chance to really break ground and explore the world of blogging.  To give you an idea of what the plan is here, this is intended to be a forum for unchecked rumination.  Life is full of filters.  Filtered water, filtered news, filtered cigarettes, filtered personalities, and filtered thoughts.  Ever wonder what you would say if you just didn’t care? Well in an effort to answer that question, I will boldly dive into unexplored territory.  I apologize for any offense that occurs in the name of science, but please keep in mind we are talking about exposure to but one part of my fractured, enigmatic psyche, and not really the true me.  Afterall, if you take the wings off on angel, doesn’t it cease to be an angel and become the alternate in a Nativity play?  Then again, perhaps it is when all is stripped away that one’s true nature is ultimately revealed.  Bearing all this in mind, and thanks to the assistance of deep hypnosis therapy and low-grade pure grain alochol, I present to you:

From the Demented desk of: Rene Guillen

Why is it that every time I find myself driving behind a vehicle sporting the handicapped license plate and a wheelchair lift, they’re driving super slow and all cautious like.  I mean really, are they afraid of getting in a car accident and ending up reparalyzed?

Just thought I’d highlight some music that I’m enjoying right now.  As always, your thoughts/comment/interaction is much desired and encouraged.

Kanye West – “Stronger”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvTAt20eedU

If this song sounds familiar, it’s probably because it’s currently my MySpace song.  I really like that Papa Roach song, but this song is the hot-ness.  If the beat sounds familiar, that’s because it’s remixing the Daft Punk song “Harder Faster Stronger” and Daft Punk rocks in their own right.  If the song looks familiar, that’s because the video is heavily influenced by the classic anime film “Akira.” This is possibly my favorite song right now.  I really like Kanye’s rhymes, his beats are great.  I can’t wait for the next album.  I think he’s a little hypocritical (especially when compared to true hip-hoppers like The Roots and Common) but at least he’s aware of his hyprocrisy.  You just don’t see rhymes like his in the mainstream rap and pop music culture.  I like how, like many hip -hop artists, he has a healthy touch of nerd.  What other rapper could come up with “Loopin’ the track like Lupin the 3rd?”  Classic.  In this song, I love the hook of “Ever since Prince was on Appolonia, since O.J. had Isotoners.”  That’s freaking awesome. 

So I just thought I’d point out that there’s a girl in the video, and I seem to not be alone in thinking that she looks a lot like Cassie.  Agree?  See for yourself below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBiGFbd5icM

Now, I doubt it’s her, but they sure do look similar.  And just by the by, there’s been a number of reports of Cassie being all studio-magic and not really being able to sing.  True or not, that girl is fine.  I mean, seriously, those lips? Damn.  I mean day-um.

R. Kelly f/ Usher – “Same Girl”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqfJ5E1B1Oc

Oh, Kells, what are we to do with you?  First she reminded you of a Jeep, then you were feelin’ on her booty, then you were trapped in her closet, and now you and Usher are both messing with her.  See, it’s so hard to find a good woman [that will let you pee on her] these days. 

Now, it’s hard to top the Rap-Epic that is all 12 parts of Trapped in the Closet, but this video is a damn fine follow up.  The list of fantastic lines boggles the mind. 

Wait a minute hold on dawg.  Do she got a kid?
Yep
Loves some Waffle House?
Yep
Do she got a beauty mark on her left side of her mouth
Man?
Went to Georgia Tech ?
Yep
Works for TBS ?
Yep

“Loves some Waffle House.” Classic. 

So man your telling me you know her
Do I know her? like a pastor know his word

Now that last line is great, because it manages to be kinda heartfelt, hilarious, and really gross all at the same time.  And yes, in the end it turns out that it wasn’t the same girl, but if you notice, the lyrics never indicate that to be the case.  Eww. 

Fabolous f/ Ne-Yo – Make Me Better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yfY9_Bz4qE

I’ve always kinda liked Fabolous.  He had a unique sound when he came out.  That “Youngin” song was bumpin.  “I’m so into you” was also a good song.  It also helps the girl in the video (not Tamia) is flippin’ gorgeous, those eyes, that skin, wow. (watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGimb_mspbY) Look around the 2:30 mark, how could you not fall in love with that face?

So he’s got this new song out, and in addition to having Rosalyn Sanchez in the video, I really like the message here.  In a time where rap is all about bitches, hos, bling, ice, swagger, and makin’ it rain, it’s nice to hear someone in the rap game actually showing some love and respect to women.  I love that chorus, “I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when were together.”  That’s just awesome.  I also really like the line, “I’m a need Loretta Scott, if I’m gonna be king.”  That line is great and clever for so many reasons.

TPIR – Farewell, Bob

I came across this clip and thought I’d share it.  It doesn’t relate to music videos at all, it’s just really damn funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHdjqsSSa_A

This list is a bit delayed; we’ve been living in ‘07 for awhile now, but I’ve been busy.  Now, this list just covers the movies I saw, I make no claim that this list contains the end all end all of best movies of ‘06.  Please feel free to voice your approval, or more likely, your outrage.

12.  The Prestige.  Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale.  Batman Begins proved that that’s a tough combo to beat.  I love the twists and turns, and I deeply apologize to those for whom I ruined the movie by figuring it out too soon…but I read a review where they said that Nolan purposely made the “big twist” obvious, so as to disguise the real twists, so now I don’t feel so bad.  The whole Jackman-Bale feud mirroring Edison-Tesla was both nerdy and well done.

11.  Jackass 2.  Humor through simple stupidity.  If this movie doesn’t make you die laughing, there might be something wrong with you.  This movie also marks the first time Jackass has made me gag with their on-screen antics.  And that’s not easy to do.  Just like with you mom, but I still manage.

10.  Night Watch.  This movie is a bit sketchy to be on the list.  I’m fairly positive that this Russian epic was released stateside in 2006.  It’s an interesting story, and it’s one of the most cerebral “fantasy-action” movies.  Those Underworld movies could learn a few things.  What also makes this movie impressive is the way that the movie is subtitled.  First off, very few foreign movies should be watched with dubbing.  This movie “incorporates” the subtitles into the movie.  It’s hard to explain, but it’s brilliantly done, and it shows the extra effort made by the director to make sure English audiences don’t get taken out of the movie.

9.  Dave Chapelle’s Block Party.  I’m a fan of documentaries, and this is a good one.  You get Dave being himself, having fun on the streets, you meet some interesting people, and you get some great music.  Kanye, Ms. Badu, the awesomeness that is Dead Prez, and most importantly, you get the nigh-impossible reunion of the muthafuckin’ Fugees.  The Score is one of the best albums I’ve ever heard, for so many different reasons.  And yes this movie was really just a cock-tease for the idea of them getting together for new music, but man, seeing them together on stage.  That’s something else.

8.  Casino Royale.  Yes, it showcased free-running or Parkour like five years after it was invented.  Yes, it borrows quite a bit from the Bourne movies.  Yes, it has a blond Bond.  But, let’s be honest, this is best new Bond flick since Goldeneye and quite possibly one of the best Bond movies of all time. 

7.  Snakes on a Plane.  This movie ranks as high as it is for one simple reason; this is what a summer popcorn movie is supposed to be.  You don’t have to think, which is good, cuz big parts of it don’t make sense.  The whole first half hour really feels like the beginning to every 80’s cop-action movie.  It’s fucking beautiful.  Then you end up in a b-horror movie…a b-horror movie with Samuel “Fucking Deep Blue Sea” Jackson.  So many high-larious scenes, so many high-larious lines.  Just good, simple stuff.

6.  Idlewild.  If it weren’t for the other movies on this list, this would easily be on the top.  This is a good movie.  It’s takes a little time to get into it, but once you do, you buy it all, hook, line, and sinker.  This movie, much like Outkast’s music, mixed genres beautifully.  It basically plays like an old black and white musical drama mixed with hip-hop and humor.  It really is a good film.  And as you would expect, it has an awesome soundtrack.

5.  Blood Diamond.  Good movie, great, tragic, but hopeful story.  I really don’t know who I thought did better, DiCaprio or Hansou.  Great performances. It has one of the best lines I’ve heard in a while.  I’m paraphrasing, but one the small characters says, “My heart tells me that people are good, unfortunately my life has taught me differently.”  It’s bittersweet, but it’s definitely something I relate to.

4.  Brick.  This one’s a sleeper, and I completely owe Zach for turning me onto this movie.  This is a modern film noir set in a high-school.  The slang can sometimes make the story hard to follow, but the directing and the story are top-notch. 

3.  The Departed.  Great fucking movie.  Who needs Italian gangsters when you have corrupt Irish cops.  All star cast.  Great story, great twist, great suspense.  I’m disappointed that Alec Baldwin didn’t get more recognition for this movie, I swear he steals every scene he’s in.  Another movie with a great fucking soundtrack.  Roger Waters AND Dropkick Murphys, good stuff.

2.  Little Miss Sunshine.  Fantastic movie.  Tragic, dramatic, funny, realistic, and most important, it has so much heart.  I think a big part of the charm comes from the amazing cast doing such an amazing job with their roles. 

1.  Stranger Than Fiction.  It was a long, tough debate for the number one spot, but I ultimately put this movie on top.  Interesting story, great visuals, great characters, great ending.  Will Ferrell does a great job as does everyone else in the cast, including an amazingly charming and adorable performance by Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I’ve often commented on my general dislike of romantic movies, but this is a romantic drama.  When it’s done right, like in this film, just like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it’s really touching and powerful.  Good movie.

Dear unconceived children of Jenna Jameson,

Hello, my name is Baron Von Awesome and I live in Phoenix, Arizona.  I know you technically don’t exist, but with Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith in the headlines and Pam Anderson still lurking around, it seems that it would be a given that Jenna Jameson will join the Blond Skanky-Types with Kids Gang.  With that inevitability in mind, I felt compelled to write this letter in the hopes of better preparing you for the future that awaits.

To the daughters:

I don’t even know where to start.  You’ve got some big *ahem* shoes to fill.  You don’t have many options.  Let’s say you decide to “be your own woman.”  That’s all well and good, until someone finds out whose daughter you are, and then you’re fucked.  The expectations alone pretty much guarantee that you will develop a very unhealthy attitude towards sex.  For what it’s worth, it’s not your fault.  You can blame mommy dearest for proving that no orifice is off-limits.  Let’s say you embrace your porn-enriched heritage, well then you just end up as a slut.  So, door number 3 says that you can choose to be all sweet, innocent, and conservative and live a clean life, but even that has pitfalls.  In her heyday, fake boobs or not, your mom was pretty hot.  If you end up being hot, then being sweet and wholesome may end up working against you.  You can’t be a librarian, nurse, schoolteacher, housecleaner, masseuse, dental hygienist, or cable repairperson, cuz you’d just end being a “sexy-whatever.”  And it doesn’t help that your mom has probably portrayed a sexy-whatever in an adult film.  Basically, when you grow up, make sure to thank your mom for putting her vergina on public display.

To the sons:

Let’s face it, you’re hosed.  Look, I’m just gonna come out and say it; you have what MIT has calculated to be a 1.873% chance of NOT being gay.  But, hey buddy, that’s practically 2%.  It’s the reality of the situation.  More men have seen the intricacies of your mom’s hoo-hah than any other hoo-hah that has come to pass.  Deal with it.  You basically have two options; develop one helluva sense of humor or become one kick-ass fighter.  For what its worth, there’s a pretty good chance that your father could be Tito Ortiz, which will help with the kicking-ass part, but will probably increase your chances of being gay.  Now whattaya say?  Why don’t you go outside with your mother and throw the ol’ balls around?  Ooh, sorry.  I mean ball, of course.  Well that was certainly embarrassing.  It was a Freudian slip.  A simple slip of her tongue.  Ah, jeez, there I go doing it again.

Ha-ha!

But really, in all seriousness, I suppose you can thank your lucky stars that your dad isn’t on camera honking a boat horn with his wang, and your mom isn’t on film almost dropping you onto the pavement, but at the end of day you are going to have come to grips with the reality that your mom, the contributor of half of your chromosomes, spent years making fuck for a living.  Let me know how that turns out.

Have fun, kids.

Good-fucking-luck, (ok, sorry, that was the last one)

The Baron

News update time again.

“Bald Britney gets new tattoo in L.A.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070217/ap_en_mu/people_britney_spears

You know it, I know it.  A headline like that can only mean one thing:

It’s time for a Joke-Off!

Ready, 1, 2, 3, Go!

-Is this news?  From the photos I’ve seen, I knew Britney was bald long ago.

-Hey Britney.  Demi Moore, Sinead O’Connor, and THX 1138 called, they want their look back.

-When asked why she shaved her head, Spears told reporters, “I just wanted the drapes to match carpet, y’all.”

-Britney’s new hairdo has led many to believe the rumors that Spears is now dating V’ger.

-Reports claim that in response to her new shaved head, Britney Spears will now be sporting the “Macy Gray.”  On a related note, insiders now report that Spears is “extremely single.”

-When told of Spears’ new look, Natalie Portman told reporters, “Sure, but can she do a British accent?”

-Britney’s shorn cranium has led many to speculate that this new, “bull-dyke” look will add further credence to the rumors of Spears’ homosexuality.  When asked for comment, Spears replied, “That’s crazy, y’all.”  The denial would’ve been more credible had Spears not spoken to reporters as she was finishing her meal at “The Pink Taco.”

-In preparation for the release of her upcoming single, Spears performed an impromptu concert [of all new music] on the famous Hollywood Walk of Fame.  After the show, one man commented, “You know I’m not gay or anything, but Moby’s kind of hot.”

And finally…

-When asked how her kids (sons Sean Preston and Jayden James) were reacting to her new hairstyle, Spears told reporters, “Kids?”

So I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten to put this on the list: chokers.  Ladies, if you know how to rock the choker, then you’re doing a-ok in my book.  Maybe it’s cuz it nicely accentuates the neck, and that ranks high on the Baron’s list of sexy and sensual female body parts.  Maybe it’s because it sort-of fashionably-edgy.  Either way; damn sexy.

So lets go ahead and take overalls off the list and add chokers.  Ok, you happy now ladies?

So it’s way delayed, I know, my internet at home wonked out on me and I was in Tucson and my parents are luddites and I was too lazy to go somewhere with wi-fi, so deal.

So this list is kinda tough, it’s a hard task to find a balance between the Christmasness of a movie versus the actual quality of the movie itself.  As a result the list is pretty much a disaster, but it’s my disaster.

10.  Home Alone – Childhood classic responsible for introducing us to the dysfunction that is the Culkin family.  It’s stupid childhood holiday fun, I mean what little boy hasn’t wished that he was in his own mad-capped caper, I mean fuck, what dude doesn’t want to be in a caper now? I mean, just go ask Dane Cook.  The fake Christmas party scene; classic.  I still think of it every time I hear “Rockin’ ‘Round the Christmas Tree.”

9.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – This is probably the most obscure movie on my list, and I never would’ve been introduced to it if it hadn’t been for that gem of a show known as Mystery Science Theater3000.  This is one of those fantastic products of the 60’s where some “genius” decided to take a campy sci-fi b-movie and mix in a Christmas story.  Now we just need a James Cameron remake where Santa Claus is part of an elite artic strike team armed with MP5’s and a kick-ass mentality.  Then again, maybe we don’t

8.  Scrooged – This movie might be higher if I was more familiar with it.  I’ve only seen it a couple of times, but c’mon it’s got Bill Murray being grumpy and bitter during the holidays, who’s not a fan of that?

7.  Die Hard – I know, you think I’m crazy, but think about the movie for a second, I’ll wait….ah, see, it is a Christmas movie, I knew you’d come around.  This movie would easily be higher if not for the lack Christmasness, although I do love McClane using the gift wrapping stuff to make a hidden holster on his back.

6.  Reindeer Games – Yes, another action movie, but hey this one is definitely about Christmas.  Maybe I’m partial since this was Frankenheimer’s last film and Ronin still has the best car chase ever and The Manchurian Candidate is a fucking phenomenal film.  Either way, it’s a stupid, fun, and I think entertaining, film.  It’s got Ben Affleck in his best role since Moonraper, er I mean Mallrats.  It doesn’t have that happy an ending, and the guy doesn’t get the girl in the end.  Plus, it had Charlize Theron topless in a pool.  That’s only rivaled by the scene in Two Days in the Valley.

5.  National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – You know this had to be on the list.  Classic.  Not as good as the original Vacation or Fletch, but it is very Christmasy. 

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

4.  Love Actually – I just saw this movie recently for the first time, and I enjoyed it.  This means that either it is a good movie or I may actually deep down be a hopeless romantic (ugh).  It’s officially going into the “Chick Flick’s René’ll Watch” bin.  Love and Christmas, who doesn’t want that? Given the fact that I watched this movie during the holidays, while single, and watched it alone, and still found it cute and charming must mean that it’s not too shabby.  Plus you get tons of cuties with British accents and you get the dude from The Office (UK version), and you get great lines like this:

Jamie: It’s my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It is the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

(Side note: I found it very interesting that it’s all the women that are the one’s calling Natalie fat and ugly or whatever, and every guy, including the POTUS and the PM digs her.  I don’t know if anyone else caught that.  Personally, cute face, great curves, cute voice with a British accent; I’d bang that like a screen door in a hurricane.)

3.  How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Obviously, I’m not talking the Jim Carey version.  I’m talking the one with Boris Karloff narratin’ and Tony the Muthafuckin’ Tiger singin.’ I told myself I wouldn’t put any TV programs on here, cuz then you open it up to Peanuts and Rudolph and Frosty and the Star Wars Christmas Special, and who wants to go there.  I had to include this one because it’s good, it’s a classic, and it’s Seuss.  I think we all have our Grinch moments, even if we catch it in time to prevent it from coming out, most of us have our internal Grinch moments.  Watching the Grinch makes you hopeful for all of us.  Well, in Awesomeland they say that the Baron’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Baron found the strength of ten Barons, plus two.

2.  Elf – I imagine people will criticize me for putting this movie so high on my list.  I’m sorry, I love this movie.  Let’s face it, at any given moment I can give off the impression of having the mental capacity and maturity of a small toddler, well I guess it’s that side of me that makes me enjoy this movie.  It’s cheesy, it’s sappy, it’s hokey.  It’s perfect for Will Farrell.  The casting is all around good.  The special effects are cute and funny.  Favorite scene: Buddy quality testing the Jack in the Boxes with the freaky laugh.  2^nd Favorite scene: Buddy and Jovie singing in the bathroom (not because Zooey Deschanel is in the shower, but because I love that song.)  Best line: Buddy telling the fake Santa, “You sit on a throne of lies.”

1.  A Christmas Story – C’mon, you knew this had to be in the one-spot.  There’s a reason why TBS plays it for 24 hours straight every year. Great story, great characters, great charm.  So many, many, many great lines.  “My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.”  “A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.” “Fa ra ra ra ra.” “Fra-gee-lay.” And I vow, someday, to own a leg lamp.

So, I’ve been on a Lost like hiatus from Myspace and from my Top Ten lists.  Well, my class is essentially done, which frees up a small window before session starts at work.  I figure what better way to return than with a pseudo Top Ten list.  It’s the holiday season, so what better way to celebrate the Winter Solstice Holiday of Your Choosing (my choice? Festivus.) than by honoring God’s truly greatest gift to man: Women.  Sorry gay dudes, but let’s face it, even most of you are obsessed with women in some way.  (Someone’s filling those seats at the Liza and Madonna concerts.)  It’s the honest truth; for all the pain, angst, and heartache you ladies cause us, we’ll gladly take it all in exchange for one of your disarming smiles, or the joy of watching you walk away with a sexy hip swagger. (Admit it, you know we’re watching.)  I’m amazed on a nearly daily basis by how women find new and imaginative ways to be sexy.  Women are like Dow Chemicals; better living through sexiness.

 Perhaps the most amazing part is how so many can be so sexy in so many different ways, and yet it almost always seems like they don’t even have to try that hard to do it.  True sexiness comes naturally, and I think that’s part of what makes it so attractive.  And maybe I’m using “sexy” in different way than most.  I’m talking about anything that makes someone more appealing, like that smile or that look, that thing that makes you take notice, makes your heart flutter, or what have you.  To quote Lloyd Christmas, “I just got that old-fashioned, romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.” (sorry to ruin the moment)

So enough rambling, this week’s list is a little odd, no numbering, it’s only sorta in order, and there’s not ten and it’s most certainly not exhaustive.  This list is actually like two in one; some of these items are more general and some of them are specific things either I personally dig or that I know quite a number of us dig.  I would definitely like people to comment, both men and women.  Am I off the mark?  Do I have weird taste? I’m really curious to know what women think, both about my list and to see if they would like to offer up any little things about dudes they dig.  Enough rambling, on to the list.

 P.S. Sorry it’s so long.  (a heh heh heh) 

Random things that women make sexy:

 Overalls.  I know, I know.  It sounds weird, but there’s just something about a cutie in a pair of overalls.  Maybe it’s a bit of the “farmer’s daughter” fantasy, but I think in all honesty is has to do with the fact that in the back of our minds, when us guys see a woman in overalls, we’re thinking “you know, with only two simple snaps, she would essentially be nekkid.”  The super sexy factor is really when you see a woman opts to forego the shorts or boxers and just sports the panties, which naturally make an appearance from the side.  Yeah, definitely hot.  And, this is VERY IMPORTANT LADIES, those weird-ass overall/short combo things are not hot, they are not sexy.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect 200 dollars.  Stop wearing them.  I’m looking at you, white trashers, you can do better.  Glasses.  I have to admit, I had to be converted on this.  I didn’t get it, I didn’t see it(pun intended?), and then many a year ago some (male) friends and coworkers set me straight.  Maybe it’s the idea that the glasses work as an accessory to highlight the rest of the features of a woman’s face.  Maybe it’s the hint of both the “librarian” and “secretary” fantasies.  I mean let’s be honest, who would you rather tap; Lisa Loeb or Lisa Loeb with those cat-eye meets clark kent glasses?  It’s a no-brainer.  So take heart bookworms and contact lens haters, those glasses may be doing more for you than you realize. Lip Gloss.  This is most definitely a personal fave.  Damn.  I mean, dayumm.  A few of you already know this about me, most of you don’t.  The Baron has himself a little saying: Lips, tits, and hips.  It’s short, it’s simple, and it’s kinda catchy with the rhyming and all.  Ladies, if you’re firing on all three of those cylinders, The Baron wants to know you.  I mean, he wants to be on you.  Here’s another little tidbit; the lips are probably the most important part of that equation for The Baron.  You know what makes a full, sexy pair of lips even hotter? Shiny lip gloss.  You know what makes shiny, full, sexy pair of lips even hotter? Flavored lip gloss.  I don’t who came up with that idea, but seriously, I’d like to buy them a pizza.  I don’t mean to dwell, but imagine if you brought in some dude from the past and told him that not only could he make out with beautiful women with vastly improved bathing habits, but their lips would also taste like nummy watermelon?  His head would explode.  I’ve seen it happen.

Look great in dude’s clothes.  This is the one I’m most curious to get feedback on.  I don’t know if women agree, and I don’t know how other dudes feel about this, but man I’m telling you there’s something to it.  Now, I’m talking very generally here, and it’s a bit sexist, but I think it really has something to do with the contrast of a feminine beauty in masculine garb.  Danica Patrick, cute, attractive, sure.  Danica Patrick in one of those racing coveralls?  Pretty fuckin hot.  A cute girl in a cop uniform or an Air Force jump suit, instantly gains a couple hot points.  Now, what really gets us is when you specifically wear our clothes.  It can be a guy’s favorite shirt, one he loves cuz he thinks he looks great in it, but you don it and suddenly it looks ten times better.  Now the real coup de grace is a sexy woman in a men’s button-up dress shirt.  It’s just plain breathtaking.  And you women know it looks hot, too.  The way the cut of the shirt makes sure to accentuate the legs, maybe showing a little hit of panty, the way you girls use the oversized sleeves to act demure, all the while very intentionally leaving way too many buttons unbuttoned.  Ladies, if you’re dating a business professional type, maybe one day when your over at his place, put on one his shirts, make sure you have on perfume or something, just a hint, and maybe tease him a little, then put the shirt back.  Next time he’s wearing it, maybe in a meeting, he’ll catch a hint and remember how sexy you are, and that meeting will suddenly be more tolerable.  Fellers, all I ask is that you send pictures.  Of your girl, not you, idiot. Boy shorts.  Plain and simple hot.  A sexy woman in some lace boy shorts is just damn sexy.  They must be like the boxer-briefs of the panty world; you get the best of everything.  I don’t know who took the idea of itty-bitty boy shorts and turned them into lingerie, but God bless them.  Seriously, nothing looks better on a woman’s ass than a great pair of boy shorts…except for maybe my hands. Ah-cha. Random things about women that make them sexy 

They make casual look good.  White tank top, blue jeans, and a baseball cap with a ponytail pulled through the back.  Sweat shorts, sneakers, and a sweatshirt.  Wife beater, pajama pants and flip flops.  All simple, casual looks, right ladies?  Some might even call them “dumpy” looks. Wrong. Wrong!  I can’t even count the number of times either myself or some other dude have been chatting when Cutie McHottie walks by and this conversation takes place:

Dude 1: You know, I know Cutie is just dressed however, but something about her…

Dude 2: Makes you wanna bone her senseless?

Dude 1: So you know what I’m talking about?

Dude 2: Totally, I just didn’t say anything, cuz I thought it was just me.

Maybe it’s the idea that true sexiness is always there, that the woman makes the clothes.  Maybe it’s the idea that guys dig chicks that don’t always have to be “done up.”  Either way, it’s that laid-back kind of sexy that us men can’t resist.

Smell awesome. I think this is something we can all get behind.  Now, ladies don’t think you’re completely off the hook.  I adore you, I place you on pedestals, but I’m still The Baron, which means I gotta bring the truth.  Call it perspiring, call it “glowing,” call it whatever you want, but even the sweetest, most feminine of women have had their stinky moments.  It happens, it’s Arizona, it’s hot, accept it.  That being said, that’s (hopefully) more the exception than the rule.  Women smell awesome.  There’s a whole bevy of products that are purely designed to make women, which are naturally quite tasty, even tastier, and that’s just awesome.  This is why Bath and Body works is one of the greatest stores ever.  And the really amazing thing is that you discover ways to combine all these products into one amazing, unique scent.  A woman can take Herbal Essence shampoo, Paul Mitchell conditioner, Suave hairspray, scented body wash, some designer perfume, and then add something like cucumber melon lotion, all topped off with strawberry lip gloss (of course).  And somehow that odd, random combination ends smelling awesome. And by the by, apparently Guess makes some sort of body lotion, and ladies, go buy a bottle or tube or whatever, cuz as one acquaintance said after smelling a girl wearing it, “Dude, I’m pretty sure that’s what Heaven smells like.”

You let us be men.  It definitely something guys can take for granted, but for the most part we totally appreciate it.  We like having to kill a spider, or assemble a bookshelf, or some other random thing.  We like doing these things, cuz it makes us feel manly and important.  When we’re with a special gal, at least those of us dudes that aren’t assholes, we feel like we are just living on borrowed time, waiting for that horrible moment you realize you can do so much better than us.  Well, these man-moments make that fear disappear, they make us feel ten feet tall and bulletproof.  Why do you think guys like horror flicks, we like that you clutch us tight, or hide your head in our chest.  It’s not even us wanting to protect you, it’s more the fact that we like knowing you trust that we will protect you, and it’s really that trust that’s sexy. 

You let us be boys.  This may sound like the exact opposite of the last one, and in a way it is.  Women have enormous patience when it comes to us.  Guys want to be tough, strong, and invincible, but that doesn’t mean that we always are.  Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes we just want to sit on the couch, hold you close, and sit through The Notebook or some such thing.  Sometimes when we’ve had a bad day, we wanna come home and just be big babies.  The great thing is that you’ll pick up on that and cater to us.  Our masculinity makes us stupid and makes it hard for us to thank you and even acknowledge it, but we do appreciate it, and it’s that selflessness that’s sexy. You are our muses.  Let’s face it, 99% of all the things done in the history of man was either for or about a woman.  I know, I know, you’re thinking about Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships.  That’s not really what I’m talking about here.  Stuff like that is really more about men being stupid.  I’m talking about all the beautiful things that have been created either to express, confess, or honor love.  Pablo Neruda may be a great writer of love poetry, but he would have nothing if it weren’t for some woman that set his heart to write.  It’s the fact that you inspire us, and find a way to bring out the best from us that’s sexy. You clean up nicely.  I guarantee you, I guar-an-damn-tee you can take any woman you know, take the hottest, most gorgeous woman you know, and I guarantee you she can look hotter.  I don’t what it is, but every woman has like a closet full of super-hero hot costumes that they can turn to in special occasions.  I’ve known a many an attractive young lass, and just when I think I’ve seen them at their hottest, bam, they somehow find a way to kick it up a notch.  The best though is when you hit us with the surprise look.  Your heading out to something simple like a, a, an outdoor nobel peace prize award ceremony, you know, something casual, and then your chick, or even just a chick shows up and their sporting like some crazy like semi-sheer yellow sundress with like a hat and gloves, and your jaw drops, and you want to say something charming and clever, but all you can think of is how you’d like to ring her southern belle.  But of course you’re not James Bond, so you can’t get away with saying that, so you just stand there amazed. 

You give us attitude.  I think this one might split the group a bit.  I’m sure there are men out there that just want women to agree with everything they say and do everything they ask, but in my own personal opinion very few men would put up with dating someone like that, so women shouldn’t be expected to act any different.  I totally dig sass and attitude.  I am very often an ass, and I need a woman who’s willing to tell me that.  Who wants to be with someone who’s a Stepford wife? Maybe it’s the Latino in me, cuz those Latinas can be plenty feisty, but what can I say, I dig it.  And, let’s be honest, I think all of us guys are secretly thinking the same thing: if she’s that fiery and worked up over say, salad dressing, just imagine how crazy she’ll be in the bedroom.  I don’t know if that always pans out or not, but I’m willing to undertake the difficult task of gathering further field data on the matter. 

How great is it when you see a couple that looks good together, and instead of them being a super cutesy lovey-dovey, they have a great witty banter.  It lets you appreciate their love without wanting to shove hot pokers in their eyes. I always think of the dinner scene with Julia Roberts and George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven.  The dialogue is so great and is so rarely written in modern films.

Tess: You’re a thief and a liar.
Danny: I only lied about being a thief, I don’t do that anymore.
Tess: Steal?
Danny: Lie.
Tess: I’m with someone who doesn’t have to make that kind of distinction.
Danny: No, he’s very clear on both.

 And so on.  C’mon that’s great stuff.  It’s that wit that underlies the attitude and always keeping us sharp and on our toes that makes it a sexy quality. Sense of humor.  They say woman want dudes with a sense of humor, which I guess explains how Jim Carey hooked up with Lauren Holly and Bobcat Goldthwait was engaged to Nikki Cox, but a sense of humor is just as equally desirable in women as well.  Now, I feel the need to distinguish between having a sense of humor and being funny.  Being funny means you can make people laugh.  Having a sense of humor means you can laugh at things, which may include laughing at yourself.  I heard someone say, “She may be hot now, but her looks will fade in time.  Having a woman that you can laugh with, that you have fun with, that’s the one you want to marry.” Or some shit like that.  You get the point.  Having some nice eye candy around is definitely nice, but having a gal that might actually enjoy sitting down and watching Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, or Super Troopers, that’s something to hold on to.  Now finding a woman that’s beautiful, loves to laugh, and can make you laugh, that’s a sexy package. 

Put up with our shit.  Ladies, this is most possibly your most sexy trait and your biggest weakness.  For some reason, maybe it’s foolish hope, you women will put up with endless amounts of our shit.  Whether it’s our fear of commitment, coming home drunk, playing Xbox for hours on end, taking you for granted, any number of things, really, you somehow forgive and look past it.  It’s almost as if you take us not for who we are, but for who you know we are capable of being.  Now, I’m not going to go into the pitfalls that that can lead to, that’s for another time.  I just want women to know that there are those of us who know you do it, those of us that live in fear of the day you realize you are so wonderful and deserve better and all decided to become lesbians, and it is those of us that are thankful for you hopeless and fantastic women that truly find you to be the sexiest of all.

Dear Dateline NBC,

Hello, my name is Baron Von Awesome and I live in Phoenix, Arizona.  I am writing you in regards to your Friday night programming, also known as “To Catch a Predator.”  I find your show to be quite addicting, but also quite creepy.  Here is what makes your show so creepy.

1.  The kid-touchers.  Perhaps this is the wrong term, since they are going after 13-year-olds.  Let’s call them adolescent teen-touchers, which means they’re not the creepiest people around, but they’re damn close.  These are some sick fucks.  The interesting thing is that they’re really more sad than disgusting.  These subhumans aren’t coming in with greasy hair, adult acne, coke bottles glasses, mother-knit sweaters, and velour leisure pants like typical creepos, they’re just messed up and pathetic.

2.  The producers.  These are some twisted people.  Don’t believe me? Just wait until you hear the first re-enactment.  That’s right, they get voice actors to read the chat logs. It’s like “Rescue 911″ for the molester set.

3.  The “bait.”  I saw one episode where they had a 19-year-old actress playing a 13-year-old-girl.  The creepy part is that she looked 13.  That’s gotta suck.  I’m really hoping that clothes, makeup, and acting accounted for most of that, cuz I mean lets be honest, dating’s gotta be hard when you look so young, and you know you gotta question any dude that wants to date a chick that looks like that. Creepy.

4.  Chris Hansen.  This dude creeps me out.  I think it really comes down to me having to listen to him read the screen names and log excerpts.  I’d much rather watch, say, Gary Oldman or Liam Neeson putting the fear of God into these SOB’s.  Hansen is too cold.  All I’m saying is that the occasional stun gun to the groin would make us all feel better.

I’m not suggesting you change any of the 4 areas explained above, aside from replacing Chris Hansen with some bad-ass actor, I just wanted to bring to your attention to the fact that your programming may be far creepier that you may have previously thought.  Thank you for your time.

I remain,

LustyLatinoLover420

er, I mean

The Baron

Bush acknowledges secret CIA prisons

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060906/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush

So here’s the MTV-Generation synopsis:  Bush announced transferring 14 high-value terrorism suspects to ol’ Gitmo for detainment and supervision…but in order to do so he “had” to acknowledge that they were previously being held in secret CIA prisons located around the world.

I can’t help but get the feeling that Cheney bitch slapped Bush when he first saw him after the announcement.  Here’s how a competent President would’ve answered questions.

Prez:  Ladies and Gentlemen.  My fellow Americans.  I called you here today to announce that 14 high-value individuals with implicit ties to the War on Terror are being placed under DOD custody and will be housed at Guantanamo Bay.  Questions?

Reporter 1:  Mister President! Mister President!  Where did they come from?

Prez: …Elsewhere.  Any other questions?

Reporter 2: How do you respond to claims that they were held in secret U.S. facilities located throughout the world?

Prez: And who exactly told you that? The terrorists?  And you believed them? Did you follow up? Did you go there?  Did you find an abandoned building?  Lemme guess, there was no evidence, no fingerprints, and the building was leased to a “Vanderlay Industries?”  Don’t front, son. What! Ta-dow, how ya like me know?  Teflon Don up in the White House.  Holla!! 

I guarantee that Clinton was told approximately 7.8 times more American secrets than Bush.  And I’ll take the Pepsi Fucking Challenge on that shit.  Bush gets pressured, he starts spilling shit.  Clinton tried to change the meaning of words before telling the truth.  And that was for a blowjob.  You know he’s taking Area 51 shit to the grave.

I gotta say I love how people were in CIA prisons and now they are going to another prison to stand trial, so that, if found guilty, they can be sent to…you guessed it, PRISON. Am I wrong in thinking that that sounds kinda, I dunno, fucked up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting all crazy liberal here, I’m just saying that I’m a big fan of the “hot-dog theory” of national security; it’s a great thing to enjoy as long as you don’t ask what’s in it.  I want the Jason Bournes out there choking bitches with piano wire, ignoring the Constitution, fucking shit up, and generally being badass all without me ever hearing about it.  I know that’s weird to hear from me since I’m all about the amazing document that is the Constitution, but I’m just being honest.  Besides, I do have to say that the nerd in me had a little joygasm when I heard about this.  Civil rights injustices aside, you know it’s kinda dope hearing about secret CIA prisons around the world.  That means Erehwon Prison and all that shit you see in movies might have some truth to ‘em.  Imagine some CIA prison in Guatemala built into ancient Mayan ruins where inmate blood is sacrificed to power ancient machines that are used to gather intelligence, but accidentally awaken ancient evils set to plunge the world into darkness lest a champion rises to fight for all humanity.

Yeah, I need a hobby.