Top Ten Christmas Movies

So it’s way delayed, I know, my internet at home wonked out on me and I was in Tucson and my parents are luddites and I was too lazy to go somewhere with wi-fi, so deal.

So this list is kinda tough, it’s a hard task to find a balance between the Christmasness of a movie versus the actual quality of the movie itself.  As a result the list is pretty much a disaster, but it’s my disaster.

10.  Home Alone – Childhood classic responsible for introducing us to the dysfunction that is the Culkin family.  It’s stupid childhood holiday fun, I mean what little boy hasn’t wished that he was in his own mad-capped caper, I mean fuck, what dude doesn’t want to be in a caper now? I mean, just go ask Dane Cook.  The fake Christmas party scene; classic.  I still think of it every time I hear “Rockin’ ‘Round the Christmas Tree.”

9.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – This is probably the most obscure movie on my list, and I never would’ve been introduced to it if it hadn’t been for that gem of a show known as Mystery Science Theater3000.  This is one of those fantastic products of the 60’s where some “genius” decided to take a campy sci-fi b-movie and mix in a Christmas story.  Now we just need a James Cameron remake where Santa Claus is part of an elite artic strike team armed with MP5’s and a kick-ass mentality.  Then again, maybe we don’t

8.  Scrooged – This movie might be higher if I was more familiar with it.  I’ve only seen it a couple of times, but c’mon it’s got Bill Murray being grumpy and bitter during the holidays, who’s not a fan of that?

7.  Die Hard – I know, you think I’m crazy, but think about the movie for a second, I’ll wait….ah, see, it is a Christmas movie, I knew you’d come around.  This movie would easily be higher if not for the lack Christmasness, although I do love McClane using the gift wrapping stuff to make a hidden holster on his back.

6.  Reindeer Games – Yes, another action movie, but hey this one is definitely about Christmas.  Maybe I’m partial since this was Frankenheimer’s last film and Ronin still has the best car chase ever and The Manchurian Candidate is a fucking phenomenal film.  Either way, it’s a stupid, fun, and I think entertaining, film.  It’s got Ben Affleck in his best role since Moonraper, er I mean Mallrats.  It doesn’t have that happy an ending, and the guy doesn’t get the girl in the end.  Plus, it had Charlize Theron topless in a pool.  That’s only rivaled by the scene in Two Days in the Valley.

5.  National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – You know this had to be on the list.  Classic.  Not as good as the original Vacation or Fletch, but it is very Christmasy. 

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

4.  Love Actually – I just saw this movie recently for the first time, and I enjoyed it.  This means that either it is a good movie or I may actually deep down be a hopeless romantic (ugh).  It’s officially going into the “Chick Flick’s René’ll Watch” bin.  Love and Christmas, who doesn’t want that? Given the fact that I watched this movie during the holidays, while single, and watched it alone, and still found it cute and charming must mean that it’s not too shabby.  Plus you get tons of cuties with British accents and you get the dude from The Office (UK version), and you get great lines like this:

Jamie: It’s my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It is the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

(Side note: I found it very interesting that it’s all the women that are the one’s calling Natalie fat and ugly or whatever, and every guy, including the POTUS and the PM digs her.  I don’t know if anyone else caught that.  Personally, cute face, great curves, cute voice with a British accent; I’d bang that like a screen door in a hurricane.)

3.  How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Obviously, I’m not talking the Jim Carey version.  I’m talking the one with Boris Karloff narratin’ and Tony the Muthafuckin’ Tiger singin.’ I told myself I wouldn’t put any TV programs on here, cuz then you open it up to Peanuts and Rudolph and Frosty and the Star Wars Christmas Special, and who wants to go there.  I had to include this one because it’s good, it’s a classic, and it’s Seuss.  I think we all have our Grinch moments, even if we catch it in time to prevent it from coming out, most of us have our internal Grinch moments.  Watching the Grinch makes you hopeful for all of us.  Well, in Awesomeland they say that the Baron’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Baron found the strength of ten Barons, plus two.

2.  Elf – I imagine people will criticize me for putting this movie so high on my list.  I’m sorry, I love this movie.  Let’s face it, at any given moment I can give off the impression of having the mental capacity and maturity of a small toddler, well I guess it’s that side of me that makes me enjoy this movie.  It’s cheesy, it’s sappy, it’s hokey.  It’s perfect for Will Farrell.  The casting is all around good.  The special effects are cute and funny.  Favorite scene: Buddy quality testing the Jack in the Boxes with the freaky laugh.  2^nd Favorite scene: Buddy and Jovie singing in the bathroom (not because Zooey Deschanel is in the shower, but because I love that song.)  Best line: Buddy telling the fake Santa, “You sit on a throne of lies.”

1.  A Christmas Story – C’mon, you knew this had to be in the one-spot.  There’s a reason why TBS plays it for 24 hours straight every year. Great story, great characters, great charm.  So many, many, many great lines.  “My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.”  “A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.” “Fa ra ra ra ra.” “Fra-gee-lay.” And I vow, someday, to own a leg lamp.