Top “Ten” sexy little things about women

So, I’ve been on a Lost like hiatus from Myspace and from my Top Ten lists.  Well, my class is essentially done, which frees up a small window before session starts at work.  I figure what better way to return than with a pseudo Top Ten list.  It’s the holiday season, so what better way to celebrate the Winter Solstice Holiday of Your Choosing (my choice? Festivus.) than by honoring God’s truly greatest gift to man: Women.  Sorry gay dudes, but let’s face it, even most of you are obsessed with women in some way.  (Someone’s filling those seats at the Liza and Madonna concerts.)  It’s the honest truth; for all the pain, angst, and heartache you ladies cause us, we’ll gladly take it all in exchange for one of your disarming smiles, or the joy of watching you walk away with a sexy hip swagger. (Admit it, you know we’re watching.)  I’m amazed on a nearly daily basis by how women find new and imaginative ways to be sexy.  Women are like Dow Chemicals; better living through sexiness.

 Perhaps the most amazing part is how so many can be so sexy in so many different ways, and yet it almost always seems like they don’t even have to try that hard to do it.  True sexiness comes naturally, and I think that’s part of what makes it so attractive.  And maybe I’m using “sexy” in different way than most.  I’m talking about anything that makes someone more appealing, like that smile or that look, that thing that makes you take notice, makes your heart flutter, or what have you.  To quote Lloyd Christmas, “I just got that old-fashioned, romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.” (sorry to ruin the moment)

So enough rambling, this week’s list is a little odd, no numbering, it’s only sorta in order, and there’s not ten and it’s most certainly not exhaustive.  This list is actually like two in one; some of these items are more general and some of them are specific things either I personally dig or that I know quite a number of us dig.  I would definitely like people to comment, both men and women.  Am I off the mark?  Do I have weird taste? I’m really curious to know what women think, both about my list and to see if they would like to offer up any little things about dudes they dig.  Enough rambling, on to the list.

 P.S. Sorry it’s so long.  (a heh heh heh) 

Random things that women make sexy:

 Overalls.  I know, I know.  It sounds weird, but there’s just something about a cutie in a pair of overalls.  Maybe it’s a bit of the “farmer’s daughter” fantasy, but I think in all honesty is has to do with the fact that in the back of our minds, when us guys see a woman in overalls, we’re thinking “you know, with only two simple snaps, she would essentially be nekkid.”  The super sexy factor is really when you see a woman opts to forego the shorts or boxers and just sports the panties, which naturally make an appearance from the side.  Yeah, definitely hot.  And, this is VERY IMPORTANT LADIES, those weird-ass overall/short combo things are not hot, they are not sexy.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect 200 dollars.  Stop wearing them.  I’m looking at you, white trashers, you can do better.  Glasses.  I have to admit, I had to be converted on this.  I didn’t get it, I didn’t see it(pun intended?), and then many a year ago some (male) friends and coworkers set me straight.  Maybe it’s the idea that the glasses work as an accessory to highlight the rest of the features of a woman’s face.  Maybe it’s the hint of both the “librarian” and “secretary” fantasies.  I mean let’s be honest, who would you rather tap; Lisa Loeb or Lisa Loeb with those cat-eye meets clark kent glasses?  It’s a no-brainer.  So take heart bookworms and contact lens haters, those glasses may be doing more for you than you realize. Lip Gloss.  This is most definitely a personal fave.  Damn.  I mean, dayumm.  A few of you already know this about me, most of you don’t.  The Baron has himself a little saying: Lips, tits, and hips.  It’s short, it’s simple, and it’s kinda catchy with the rhyming and all.  Ladies, if you’re firing on all three of those cylinders, The Baron wants to know you.  I mean, he wants to be on you.  Here’s another little tidbit; the lips are probably the most important part of that equation for The Baron.  You know what makes a full, sexy pair of lips even hotter? Shiny lip gloss.  You know what makes shiny, full, sexy pair of lips even hotter? Flavored lip gloss.  I don’t who came up with that idea, but seriously, I’d like to buy them a pizza.  I don’t mean to dwell, but imagine if you brought in some dude from the past and told him that not only could he make out with beautiful women with vastly improved bathing habits, but their lips would also taste like nummy watermelon?  His head would explode.  I’ve seen it happen.

Look great in dude’s clothes.  This is the one I’m most curious to get feedback on.  I don’t know if women agree, and I don’t know how other dudes feel about this, but man I’m telling you there’s something to it.  Now, I’m talking very generally here, and it’s a bit sexist, but I think it really has something to do with the contrast of a feminine beauty in masculine garb.  Danica Patrick, cute, attractive, sure.  Danica Patrick in one of those racing coveralls?  Pretty fuckin hot.  A cute girl in a cop uniform or an Air Force jump suit, instantly gains a couple hot points.  Now, what really gets us is when you specifically wear our clothes.  It can be a guy’s favorite shirt, one he loves cuz he thinks he looks great in it, but you don it and suddenly it looks ten times better.  Now the real coup de grace is a sexy woman in a men’s button-up dress shirt.  It’s just plain breathtaking.  And you women know it looks hot, too.  The way the cut of the shirt makes sure to accentuate the legs, maybe showing a little hit of panty, the way you girls use the oversized sleeves to act demure, all the while very intentionally leaving way too many buttons unbuttoned.  Ladies, if you’re dating a business professional type, maybe one day when your over at his place, put on one his shirts, make sure you have on perfume or something, just a hint, and maybe tease him a little, then put the shirt back.  Next time he’s wearing it, maybe in a meeting, he’ll catch a hint and remember how sexy you are, and that meeting will suddenly be more tolerable.  Fellers, all I ask is that you send pictures.  Of your girl, not you, idiot. Boy shorts.  Plain and simple hot.  A sexy woman in some lace boy shorts is just damn sexy.  They must be like the boxer-briefs of the panty world; you get the best of everything.  I don’t know who took the idea of itty-bitty boy shorts and turned them into lingerie, but God bless them.  Seriously, nothing looks better on a woman’s ass than a great pair of boy shorts…except for maybe my hands. Ah-cha. Random things about women that make them sexy 

They make casual look good.  White tank top, blue jeans, and a baseball cap with a ponytail pulled through the back.  Sweat shorts, sneakers, and a sweatshirt.  Wife beater, pajama pants and flip flops.  All simple, casual looks, right ladies?  Some might even call them “dumpy” looks. Wrong. Wrong!  I can’t even count the number of times either myself or some other dude have been chatting when Cutie McHottie walks by and this conversation takes place:

Dude 1: You know, I know Cutie is just dressed however, but something about her…

Dude 2: Makes you wanna bone her senseless?

Dude 1: So you know what I’m talking about?

Dude 2: Totally, I just didn’t say anything, cuz I thought it was just me.

Maybe it’s the idea that true sexiness is always there, that the woman makes the clothes.  Maybe it’s the idea that guys dig chicks that don’t always have to be “done up.”  Either way, it’s that laid-back kind of sexy that us men can’t resist.

Smell awesome. I think this is something we can all get behind.  Now, ladies don’t think you’re completely off the hook.  I adore you, I place you on pedestals, but I’m still The Baron, which means I gotta bring the truth.  Call it perspiring, call it “glowing,” call it whatever you want, but even the sweetest, most feminine of women have had their stinky moments.  It happens, it’s Arizona, it’s hot, accept it.  That being said, that’s (hopefully) more the exception than the rule.  Women smell awesome.  There’s a whole bevy of products that are purely designed to make women, which are naturally quite tasty, even tastier, and that’s just awesome.  This is why Bath and Body works is one of the greatest stores ever.  And the really amazing thing is that you discover ways to combine all these products into one amazing, unique scent.  A woman can take Herbal Essence shampoo, Paul Mitchell conditioner, Suave hairspray, scented body wash, some designer perfume, and then add something like cucumber melon lotion, all topped off with strawberry lip gloss (of course).  And somehow that odd, random combination ends smelling awesome. And by the by, apparently Guess makes some sort of body lotion, and ladies, go buy a bottle or tube or whatever, cuz as one acquaintance said after smelling a girl wearing it, “Dude, I’m pretty sure that’s what Heaven smells like.”

You let us be men.  It definitely something guys can take for granted, but for the most part we totally appreciate it.  We like having to kill a spider, or assemble a bookshelf, or some other random thing.  We like doing these things, cuz it makes us feel manly and important.  When we’re with a special gal, at least those of us dudes that aren’t assholes, we feel like we are just living on borrowed time, waiting for that horrible moment you realize you can do so much better than us.  Well, these man-moments make that fear disappear, they make us feel ten feet tall and bulletproof.  Why do you think guys like horror flicks, we like that you clutch us tight, or hide your head in our chest.  It’s not even us wanting to protect you, it’s more the fact that we like knowing you trust that we will protect you, and it’s really that trust that’s sexy. 

You let us be boys.  This may sound like the exact opposite of the last one, and in a way it is.  Women have enormous patience when it comes to us.  Guys want to be tough, strong, and invincible, but that doesn’t mean that we always are.  Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes we just want to sit on the couch, hold you close, and sit through The Notebook or some such thing.  Sometimes when we’ve had a bad day, we wanna come home and just be big babies.  The great thing is that you’ll pick up on that and cater to us.  Our masculinity makes us stupid and makes it hard for us to thank you and even acknowledge it, but we do appreciate it, and it’s that selflessness that’s sexy. You are our muses.  Let’s face it, 99% of all the things done in the history of man was either for or about a woman.  I know, I know, you’re thinking about Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships.  That’s not really what I’m talking about here.  Stuff like that is really more about men being stupid.  I’m talking about all the beautiful things that have been created either to express, confess, or honor love.  Pablo Neruda may be a great writer of love poetry, but he would have nothing if it weren’t for some woman that set his heart to write.  It’s the fact that you inspire us, and find a way to bring out the best from us that’s sexy. You clean up nicely.  I guarantee you, I guar-an-damn-tee you can take any woman you know, take the hottest, most gorgeous woman you know, and I guarantee you she can look hotter.  I don’t what it is, but every woman has like a closet full of super-hero hot costumes that they can turn to in special occasions.  I’ve known a many an attractive young lass, and just when I think I’ve seen them at their hottest, bam, they somehow find a way to kick it up a notch.  The best though is when you hit us with the surprise look.  Your heading out to something simple like a, a, an outdoor nobel peace prize award ceremony, you know, something casual, and then your chick, or even just a chick shows up and their sporting like some crazy like semi-sheer yellow sundress with like a hat and gloves, and your jaw drops, and you want to say something charming and clever, but all you can think of is how you’d like to ring her southern belle.  But of course you’re not James Bond, so you can’t get away with saying that, so you just stand there amazed. 

You give us attitude.  I think this one might split the group a bit.  I’m sure there are men out there that just want women to agree with everything they say and do everything they ask, but in my own personal opinion very few men would put up with dating someone like that, so women shouldn’t be expected to act any different.  I totally dig sass and attitude.  I am very often an ass, and I need a woman who’s willing to tell me that.  Who wants to be with someone who’s a Stepford wife? Maybe it’s the Latino in me, cuz those Latinas can be plenty feisty, but what can I say, I dig it.  And, let’s be honest, I think all of us guys are secretly thinking the same thing: if she’s that fiery and worked up over say, salad dressing, just imagine how crazy she’ll be in the bedroom.  I don’t know if that always pans out or not, but I’m willing to undertake the difficult task of gathering further field data on the matter. 

How great is it when you see a couple that looks good together, and instead of them being a super cutesy lovey-dovey, they have a great witty banter.  It lets you appreciate their love without wanting to shove hot pokers in their eyes. I always think of the dinner scene with Julia Roberts and George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven.  The dialogue is so great and is so rarely written in modern films.

Tess: You’re a thief and a liar.
Danny: I only lied about being a thief, I don’t do that anymore.
Tess: Steal?
Danny: Lie.
Tess: I’m with someone who doesn’t have to make that kind of distinction.
Danny: No, he’s very clear on both.

 And so on.  C’mon that’s great stuff.  It’s that wit that underlies the attitude and always keeping us sharp and on our toes that makes it a sexy quality. Sense of humor.  They say woman want dudes with a sense of humor, which I guess explains how Jim Carey hooked up with Lauren Holly and Bobcat Goldthwait was engaged to Nikki Cox, but a sense of humor is just as equally desirable in women as well.  Now, I feel the need to distinguish between having a sense of humor and being funny.  Being funny means you can make people laugh.  Having a sense of humor means you can laugh at things, which may include laughing at yourself.  I heard someone say, “She may be hot now, but her looks will fade in time.  Having a woman that you can laugh with, that you have fun with, that’s the one you want to marry.” Or some shit like that.  You get the point.  Having some nice eye candy around is definitely nice, but having a gal that might actually enjoy sitting down and watching Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, or Super Troopers, that’s something to hold on to.  Now finding a woman that’s beautiful, loves to laugh, and can make you laugh, that’s a sexy package. 

Put up with our shit.  Ladies, this is most possibly your most sexy trait and your biggest weakness.  For some reason, maybe it’s foolish hope, you women will put up with endless amounts of our shit.  Whether it’s our fear of commitment, coming home drunk, playing Xbox for hours on end, taking you for granted, any number of things, really, you somehow forgive and look past it.  It’s almost as if you take us not for who we are, but for who you know we are capable of being.  Now, I’m not going to go into the pitfalls that that can lead to, that’s for another time.  I just want women to know that there are those of us who know you do it, those of us that live in fear of the day you realize you are so wonderful and deserve better and all decided to become lesbians, and it is those of us that are thankful for you hopeless and fantastic women that truly find you to be the sexiest of all.