Top Ten of the Week: Skanks

Belated Happy Skanksgiving Day to one and all. In honor of the holiday, this week’s list is dedicated to those blessed individuals that chose to ignore society, religion, basic morality, common sense, any semblance of self-esteem, and proper hygiene to grind and demean themselves to the top of the heap.

10. Marilyn Monroe. Lets’ see. She was married multiple times, which included a sports celebrity. She fucked two dudes in the same family…the Kennedy family…one of whom was the fucking President. She fully capitalized on the whole “I’m a hot damsel in distress with a sweet soft spoken and big boobs so I can make men do whatever I want” deal. To top it all off she reached true skank status when she popped out of a birthday cake singing what is quite possibly THE hottest rendition of “Happy Birthday” to JFK while Jackie was right next to him. Only real hoes pull shit like that.

9. Ben Affleck. Don’t be fooled MySpacers, dudes can be skanks, too. Paltrow, Lopez, Garner, this guy gets off on dating A-List celebrities with C-List talent. Biggest proof that this dude’s a skank? Just look at Baffleck’s movies; clearly this cat just doesn’t know how to say “no.”

8. Angelina Jolie. Multiple marriages. Multiple Hollywood affairs. Sure, she may be sexy as all get-out, but when you boned Billy Bob in the limo before the Oscars and macked on you brother DURING the Oscars…yeah that pretty much skankifies you.

7. Courtney Love. She’s on this list primarily due to sheer dirtiness. She is, with the exception of her post-People-Vs.-Larry-Flynt moment of sobriety, the dirtiest chick around. Throw in the fact that she’s pumped the “I was married to Kurt Cobain” well dry long ago and she’s nothing but damn, dirty hoor.

6. Pam Anderson. Eric Nies. Scott Baio. Tommy Lee. Howard Stern (maybe). Marcus Shenkenberg. She’s been called the New Marilyn Monroe and in true fashion she’s brought her A-game to the skanky playing field. The sad thing is that I’d still hit dat skanky-ass…even with the ol’ Hep C.

5. Carson Daly. This massive tool is definitely a dirty himbo. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid come readily to mind. Supposedly this guy loves the strip clubs and the strippers. And don’t forget all those years he spent on TRL making emotional teenage girls squeal over badly produced pop music.

4. Lil’ Kim. Have you seen her outfits? Have you heard her rap lyrics? Have you heard the rumor about the Wu-Tang Clan? …she fucked Biggie! This chick’s so skanky that she could meet up with the business end of a broken mop handle in Federal prison and come back asking for more.

3. Paris Hilton. She dates scruffy looking guys who have money. She dresses like a skank. She acts like a skank. She has somehow managed to make being slutty trendy. I don’t get it. Don’t ask me how the economy works.

2. Trishelle from The Real World. Trishelle rates so high because she truly does represent Jane Everyskank. If I’m not mistaken, I believe that at this point, thanks to Inferno and Battle of the Sexes, Trishelle has managed to make having sex with her the official Male-Reality-TV-Star-Rite-of-Passage. Um… congratulations?

1. Tara Reid. Was there ever a doubt? This chick’s so slimy that I’m pretty sure if you poured salt on her, she’d melt. She’s so skanky that she took E!’s alcohol-fueled tribute to Bacchus known as Wild On and made it so tragically dirty that E! cancelled the show. To think; she went from being the lovable pornstar Bunny in The Big Lebowski to having her recently enhanced boob “accidentally” fall out of her dress at a Diddy party with fresh surgery scars.